


The Hunter's Moon

by redleather



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-10
Updated: 2005-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4485726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redleather/pseuds/redleather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the night of the Hunter's Moon, the marauders gather for Remus's transformation, but Sirius's behaviour is worrying Remus. Why doesn't Sirius want to speak to him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. October 13, 1979

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to ff.net waaaay back in the day. It's about time I posted this here!

__

October 13 1979

It was afternoon, and the sky was clear for the first time in days. Of course it was. The moon was turning full that night and somehow the sky always seemed to clear, allowing its full glory to shine down. Remus thought it felt like a taunt, as if he could somehow forget that the moon was there because of a few measly clouds. He was thinking that it seemed warm for October; an almost balmy southwesterly breeze was blowing dead leaves around the street. He was getting more and more anxious. Already he could see the moon rising in the sky, a pale translucent circle, low on the horizon. Of course, nothing would happen until night fell, but he stepped away from the window anyway, where he couldn't see it, and it couldn't see him. He preferred summer; the nights were shorter. October meant it was getting closer to winter with longer nights and longer moons. The October full moon, the Hunter's Moon, a giant yellow ball in the sky that looked so huge, it seemed as if the moon might crash to earth. He had very few memories of it, other than a brief glimpse each time before he'd start to change, and then there would be no more memories until he woke up the next morning.

People thought the Hunter's moon was beautiful, and he would have loved to be able to join them in that thought, but instead he wondered, not for the first time, what tonight's moon might bring. He was getting worse again, or so his friends had told him. By the end of school, his behaviour had been so controlled that he could happily gamble about the fields at night with the other Marauders, terrorising sheep and howling as much as pleased. Or so they told him anyway, he had no memory of them spending the nights of the full moon together. James had said after the last moon that he was starting to slip, becoming more like the creature they'd found locked up in the Shrieking Shack. He'd started attacking them again, at first just snapping at them, but then it grew to more and the last time, Remus had woken the next morning with hoof marks on his chest and several dog bites. He'd tried to eat Peter, apparently.

James, Sirius and Peter would hopefully be arriving at the flat soon to collect him. They would always chat excitedly about the night ahead. He'd get uncomfortable again, because for him, it had never been a game; and then they'd all apparate to a field or a forest in the middle of nowhere and let the moon take its course. It was getting on to evening already and Remus thought he'd make tea for them all; his friends were due in the door any moment. He was starting to get nervous that they wouldn't show up. Peter himself hadn't said a word about the attack but Peter never would anyway, but he'd been conspicuous in his absence nonetheless. He had only to spoken to James once since the last moon via letter, he'd seemed fine about the whole thing. Besides, Lily hadn't said anything about James being angry with him, but then again, why would Lily know. If James wasn't speaking to him, he couldn't tell Lily, she still didn't know about her fiancée being an animagus along with two of his friends so they could mess about with their other friend who was a werewolf.

As for Sirius, that was his main worry. He hadn't spoken to him at all, and to be honest, he'd been a little afraid to make contact with him. Sirius would normally stay over on full moon nights. They would get up late after sleeping off the night before and then piss about all day in Remus' flat, drinking endless cups of tea and talking nonsense. Sirius would always go around to the local muggle Chinese take-away and get beef noodles because Remus was too tired to, and then they'd wait for the second and third moon to come up. That was always what happened, and if they woke up with cuts and bruises, they'd heal each other before hoping in the shower to wash off any mud or blood. On the fourth day, the day after the final night of the full moon, Sirius, James and Peter would crowd into Remus's tiny flat with too much firewhiskey and when Peter and James had gone home to their beds and their girlfriends respectively, Sirius would sit up with Remus and finish off the whiskey. Sirius would curl up on the couch, sitting close to Remus and sometimes, when he was really drunk, he would run his fingers through Remus's hair and then kiss his neck and then his lips. He'd hold Remus close and make him swear not to tell James, and Remus would agree because he was drunk too and if he did then Sirius would kiss him again. Then Sirius would fall asleep on top of Remus with his arms wrapped around him, still curled up on the couch. Sirius would roll off him in the morning and ruffle Remus's hair before stumbling off to work, hung over and probably still half drunk. Then during the rest of the month, neither would speak a word about it, as if nothing had happened and they were still normal mates.

But the last time, had been different. Sirius had woken up early on the fourth day. And was sitting up awake when Remus had finally opened his eyes. Remus had made some quip about needing a good stiff drink, but Sirius had looked away uncomfortably. That day, he'd stayed only long enough to tell Remus what he'd nearly done to Peter and to heal the large bruises and cuts all over Remus's body before he'd disapparated with a mumbled apology about having to be somewhere. Only James came over that night, Peter was still recovering, and since it was just the two of them, James had left early. Not before a full account of the previous night's events had been retold, however. Remus had been nothing but profuse with his apologies and James had accepted them but without the usual slap-on-the-back enthusiasm he reserved for marauder related 'mishaps' like this. Remus had mentioned that Sirius had seemed angry with him, and James had agreed offhandedly, saying something about Sirius being a 'moody bugger'.

Remus had been left with nothing but niggling doubts and a growing fear that even after all this time, his friends had turned on him and decided that consorting with a werewolf wasn't all it was cracked up be. It didn't help that none of them had spoken to him since, and Lily had casually wondered why he hadn't joined James and Sirius the last few times the two had gone out together. Remus could have cried, but it wasn't her fault, she didn't know, so he sucked it in and said it was because it was he was too busy with his new job and he was so exhausted in the evenings he no energy for carousing with the dynamic duo. Lily had laughed and asked him had he ever watched Batman, Remus had looked at her confusedly and she'd just smiled at him. She'd told him that she was glad that Peter was better after that gang of thugs in muggle London had mugged him. James had told her. Remus had been about to ask her what she was talking about, when he'd realised that by 'attacked by a gang of thugs', James had meant 'clawed and almost swallowed whole by Remus'. He'd frowned guiltily into his tea and said he was glad too. Lily had said she'd given out to James about letting Peter stumble his way home alone and Remus had nothing to say but 'mmm' in agreement.

Remus looked at the clock nervously. It was a past the time they normally came. He was now convinced they weren't coming at all. He panicked, wondering could he get to the old Shrieking Shack in time for his transformation. He'd have to apparate to Hogsmeade and then walk to the access tunnel under the Whomping Willow in Hogwarts' grounds because the shack was sealed from the outside. He thought for a moment to get a message to Albus Dumbledore first but realised there probably wasn't the time. Fighting back tears, he started to put his four chipped mugs back in the cupboard when he heard three distinct pops coming from his sitting room. They'd come after all. He heard James call his name a few times before his messy black head popped around the kitchen door.

"There you are!" he beamed. "Ah, perfect timing! I'd murder a cup of tea Moony," he said, spotting the mugs in Remus's hand.

Remus nodded and took the mugs back out again to make the tea, craftily wiping away a sneaky tear. They'd come after all. They left him in the kitchen though; clearly things still weren't as they used to be. A minute later he brought out two mugs, for James and Sirius, promising Peter his in a second. James thanked him with a smile. Sirius, however, said nothing as he was handed his mug, he just chewed his thumbnail nervously, and kept his eyes fixed on Remus. James obviously noticed the tension surrounding the odd little exchange and decided to fill up the uncomfortable silence by talking about the latest quidditch results.

Remus went back to the kitchen to retrieve his and Peter's mugs. When he came back out again, James had engaged Sirius ear, even if his eyes were still on Remus. Peter took his mug quietly and Remus took the opportunity to draw him aside.

"Listen, Peter, I'm really sorry about what happened."

"It's alright Moony. I know you didn't mean it, besides," said Peter, brightening suddenly, "I'm getting loads of attention and offers of backrubs from the girls when I tell them I was attacked by 'marauding' hordes of thugs!".

Remus laughed softly.

"And on that note, if we're out in the pub, I'm still suffering greatly. For the sake of the ladies, if you know what I mean," said Peter with a wink.

"Thank you," said Remus quietly. Peter only smiled and drank his tea.

Remus took to drinking his, looking nervously out of the window where the sun was going down. James had moved on to talking about Lily.

"Honestly Pads, I'm going to have to tell her soon. I said I was going out with 'the lads' and she asked me did I think I could continue our 'monthly four day benders' when we're married. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew already and she was trying to guilt me into finally telling her. That woman is too smart!"

Remus was eager to be gone; the last light of the evening was fading behind the horizon.

"Em… lads? Look, thanks for showing up," said Remus gratefully. "After what happened the last time, I thought you guys might not come and…"

Remus would have continued but James butted in.

"Not come! Are you daft? Why wouldn't we come? We've been doing this every month for the last few years!"

"Well, after what I did the last few times and…" he fumbled nervously for the words, aware that Sirius was still eying him with a strange intensity. "I mean, I could have swallowed Peter, or what if I bit one of you… and, well, it's the Hunter's Moon tonight. I'm probably going to be even worse than before."

"We know Remus," said James quietly, "but we can't leave you. It's too important. Besides, we're mates. We're the Marauders… and anyway, you're the one who's been anti-social and aloof the last month. Every time I want to go out, Sirius says you can't because you're too busy working."

Sirius had been standing with his arms folded, chewing his nail again, when James spoke. Tensing, he looked up and locked eyes with Remus for a moment. Remus could see a slight hint of panic there, where he knew he'd been caught out in a lie. Sirius had been telling James that Remus was busy so he could go off with his best friend, without the murdering halfbreed, thought Remus ruefully. He didn't realise it would sting so badly to have his fears confirmed. James and Peter were fine with everything; it was Sirius who didn't want to speak to him ever again. Why was he even here in the first place?

"Yeah," he said, trying to gain control of his wits again, "I have a new job, it's been keeping me pretty busy; bills to pay and all that pedestrian crap."

"That's what Lily said too. I don't see why you can meet her for lunch but you can't come out for a pint with me! Ah bugger all those stupid anti-werewolf laws in the wizarding world! You're a harder worker than the all of us put together. Muggle jobs are beneath a wizard like you Moony."

James continued to rant. Remus wasn't bothered explaining that working in muggle jobs meant you could magically forge doctors notes to say you had to go take 4 days off every month to spend time in hospital for some unmentionable disease. Sirius's shoulders seemed to have relaxed in the meantime, but his eyebrows knitted together in a worried frown. Remus wanted to hit himself for going along with Sirius's lies, again. He was always covering for him. He turned away so he wouldn't have to face those eyes anymore. He wondered if James would ever know some of the things his best friend got up to when his back was turned.

"We'd better get going, the sun has gone down," he said with his back to them.

"Oh Merlin it has! Where does the time go?" said James.

There followed a brief three-way discussion of where they should go that month. Sirius deigned to speak only to acquiesce to whatever they'd decided. James was watching Sirius and Remus closely, having noticed the hesitant looks that had passed between the two of them. Sirius was being a moody bugger again, he decided. He'd always had moments like that as far back as James could remember. He'd find Sirius off on his own, a thing most unusual for the gregarious young man, chewing his nail thoughtfully. James started to notice that Sirius would do that when something was really bothering him, like when he'd get a letter from his mother, or when his brother Regulus arrived at Hogwarts and was sorted into Slytherin. He would have taken him aside and made him cop himself on for Remus's sake but there wasn't the time at that moment.

Realising the time was pressing, they apparated to a clearing in a large forest far north of Hogsmeade that they'd used for their transformations before. When Remus thought about it later, the only thing he could remember was looking up and seeing a huge yellow moon, peeping out from behind the clouds and that look of concentration his friends always had on their faces as they transformed.


	2. October 16, 1979

_October 16, 1979_

Remus woke unwillingly on the morning after the third night of the full moon. He floated on the edge of consciousness for what seemed like forever but eventually the light succeeded in cutting through his sleep. When he finally had the strength to crack his eyelids open, he wished he hadn't. The blind in his bedroom had been left open from the night before and pale autumn sunlight was shining directly in at him. It was blinding and he turned his head away and closed his eyes again, the vague outline of the window bleached onto the back of his retinas. He raised his arms to rub his eyes only to find that the muscles ached; in fact, he suddenly realised his entire body was aching. He took a deep breath and felt a sharp pain as his chest expanded stiffly. Patches of stinging pain all over his body made themselves more apparent as he gradually woke up. Grazes, scratches and tender, bruised ribs and that general feeling he always had like he'd fallen from the top of the Astronomy tower.

He let his arms flop back down onto the bed. His right rolled off and, seeing as his bed was merely a mattress on the floor, his hand landed on the bare floorboards. They felt warm from the sun and scratchy because they were unvarnished. It was still too bright for him to open his eyes to the window. His left arm was draped across the rest of the bed, his fingers idly playing with the sheet. Lying akimbo as he was, his body was stretching his sore muscles uncomfortably, so he rolled onto his side away from the window and the bright light. The other side of the bed was empty. It was lonely waking up like that. He was used to rolling over and seeing Sirius on nights after the full moon, when they weren't on the couch that was. He'd be lying sprawled on the bed, normally fully clothed apart from his shoes, taking up more space than he needed, his face buried in the pillow. He'd wake up as Remus stirred and would grin at him before wincing as his own bruises alerted him to their presence.

There was no Sirius there that morning, nor had there been the previous two mornings. Remus had been all alone when he'd woken up the first day; it had taken him a long while to even move from the bed. Sirius would normally have dragged himself up first to patch Remus up and to make them a cup of tea each. Remus wouldn't feel human enough to get in the shower until he'd had his cup of tea. There didn't seem to be much point in getting out of bed anyway if he wasn't there. He'd mostly neglected to eat for the rest of that day. There was no beef noodle from the local Chinese; he was too tired to get it. The furry cereal in his cupboard didn't seem that appetizing either.

James was quick to notice that Sirius wasn't there when he arrived for the second night of the full moon. He stood with Remus in the kitchen while Remus ate a digestive biscuit with his cuppa, which probably constituted his main meal of the day.

"Why isn't Sirius here?"

"He had some stuff to do," replied Remus, unable to think of a better response.

"Nonsense Moony, he's always here for the full moon. He still isn't speaking to you, is he?"

"What makes you think he's not speaking to me?"

"The fact that he isn't," finished James definitely "Besides, I'm not completely blind you know, you gave each other these funny looks when I said yesterday that you hadn't been out with us. He lied to me, didn't he, about you being busy."

Remus grew more nervous; he really didn't want to discuss it. Sirius wouldn't want James knowing anything.

"Look James, I genuinely don't know what's up with Sirius, okay. He must be in a weird mood or something. And since when did you become this big detective when it came to emotional rubbish?"

"Ha!" exclaimed James, "so you admit that something's up with him and that he hasn't been talking to you! I knew it, I was right… well Lily was right, but that's another story. And I'll have you know that I'm very well versed in 'emotional rubbish' when it comes to Pads. You know he's like the brother I never had; I know he gets himself worked up into a state over things."

"Well, when you see him, could you ask him what the in the name of Hades it is I did to upset him, apart from nearly killing him that is."

"You didn't nearly kill him, or anyone else for that matter!" said James, starting to raise his voice. "Are you getting notions that we hate you coz you're getting all bitey all of a sudden? We wouldn't do that! And if Sirius thinks he can, well then I'll just have to give him a big kick up the arse for thinking like that!" Remus smiled.

"Look," said James more seriously "would you like me to have a chat with him to, you know, sort things out between you two?"

Something about the James had said 'sort things out between you two' made Remus panic slightly. What did James suspect? He couldn't let James talk to Sirius. Sirius would never speak to him again.

"No!" he almost shouted, and then realising he'd said it a bit more adamantly then he'd intended, he softened. "I mean, no, there's no need. Thanks for the offer, but I'm sure he'll get over himself in a bit. And it's not like I need him here to look after me after every full moon like I'm a baby or something." The last part was a lie, he did need Sirius, and more than that, he wanted him here.

James looked at him strangely but agreed not to say anything directly. They continued to talk as first Peter and then Sirius joined them in the flat. Sirius greeted them with a guilty hello. There was none of the intense staring at Remus that had marked the days before. He averted his eyes instead and Remus secretly hoped that he felt terrible for leaving him all on his own when he alone knew how truly weak he felt the next morning.

When Remus and Peter went into the kitchen to make tea, they didn't notice James quietly take Sirius to the side to talk to him. So much for promises of silence, thought James to himself, a friend is more important. When he was left alone with James, Sirius seemed to relax for a moment, becoming more like himself, until he realised what James wanted to talk about. When Remus and Peter returned from the kitchen with the mugs, they found Sirius white faced and tight lipped with James frowning at him; but since in the present circumstances, this seemed normal, Remus didn't mark it as important.

Remus closed his eyes again and tried to doze. He hoped that if he caught even one more hour's sleep that he would feel slightly better, but he knew from experience that he could sleep for a day and not feel recovered. He thought about Sirius, on that second morning. After being alone the on the first day, he had expected the same again. He thought it was strange that he had seemed to get used to the fact that Sirius wasn't there, even after all the time they spent together. Thinking that he was alone again, Remus had been in no rush to get out of bed. He'd eventually forced himself up, knowing that today he had to find something to eat and do it by himself, or it would definitely be animagus rat on the menu for dinner that evening. Starvation, a happy werewolf does not make. He put a dressing gown on first, hoping to get a small bite to eat and a cuppa before he dealt with the task of tending to himself and having a shower.

On the counter in the kitchen there was a covered dish with a folded note on it. He opened it to find James scrawl across it.

_Moony,_

_Whoops, completely forgot that Lily gave me the leftover lasagne from dinner to give to you. She thinks you're not eating enough! Don't let Sirius eat it, he's a fat bastard and Lily says she'll know… ooooh she's a spooky lasagne psychic! Actually, having just tried to take a bite myself, I've realised she's charmed the dish to give you a shock and swear at you in her voice for 'taking Remus's food'… My girlfriend is crafty! I knew there was a reason I loved her._

_Prongs_

_PS See you tonight!_

_PPS. Damn it again! Lily gave me a potion she made for you. I left it on the mantelpiece last night. Should help with the exhaustion and the aches etc. You know, she's not this nice to me when I'm sick! Although, according to her, hung over doesn't count as sick._

He smiled at looked at the cold lasagne, thankful that he'd get a decent meal today without having to make the exhausting trek to the take-away. He wondered if Lily had any idea how grateful he was at that moment. He was still wracking his brains for the spell to reheat the food without burning it to a crisp, when he heard a stirring from the sitting room. Through the door he could see the back of the couch and Sirius's head rising up above it. Completely oblivious, he rubbed his eyes, ran his fingers through his hair and staggered blearily towards the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks at the kitchen door when he caught sight of Remus, who had never seen anyone become awake so fast before in his life.

They stood opposite each other for a moment that seemed like an eternity, their eyes locked. Remus had almost worked up the courage to say something when Sirius broke off, looking down at the food in front of Remus.

"Try to eat something, you had it rough last night," he said, pointing his wand at the dish. A moment later, a delicious smell of steaming lasagne was wafting up Remus's nostrils.

"Thanks," said Remus.

"See you tonight," said Sirius quietly as an acknowledgement before he disapparated before Remus's eyes. It was the first words that Sirius had spoken to him directly in about a month, and he'd spent the night as well, even if it had been on the couch, he reminded himself. Yet for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to take it as a good sign. There had been something in Sirius' eyes. Remus wanted to eat something at that moment but as he rubbed his face to try and wipe the sleep away, he wiped off handful of mud. He dragged himself to the shower unwillingly, hoping it would wash away more than the dirt. He tried to ignore the stinging from the many little nicks as he stepped under the stream of water. He watched the muddy water swirling down the plug hole worrying about the final night to come and tomorrow, when he wondered was Sirius going to stay on the couch again; would he be there when they all celebrated another full moon survived tomorrow night.

The food and the potion helped to make him feel better. He was in a better mood, or rather, he seemed to have more energy when the Marauders arrived in Remus's flat that evening. It pleased James no to end that Remus didn't look like he was about to pass out at any second. There was no need to worry anymore; Remus apparently could take care of himself (with a little help from Lily). Sirius had taken to frowning and staring at him again. Remus felt like he almost had enough energy to just turn around and snap at him. What did I do wrong, you bastard, he thought to himself. And he picked up the tea mugs and left the sitting room, hiding the scowl on his face.

When he returned from dropping the dishes back in the kitchen he caught the end of a hurried, whispered conversation between James and Sirius.

"Yes! I said I'd stay with him tonight, so will you fucking drop it James!"

Remus felt the anger rise in him again. So he had to be forced to stay by James, he couldn't even do it out of the goodness of his own heart. James had probably made him stay the previous night as well. It also meant that James had done exactly what he'd asked him not to do in that he'd spoken to Sirius. He knew he'd meant well, but realised it had only made things worse. Instead of coming around on his own, Sirius had been forced to, and Sirius had an intense dislike of being made to do anything he didn't want to. He started talking to Peter, hoping the other two hadn't noticed he'd heard anything. He just wanted the night to be over and done with so he could have another few weeks of relative freedom.

Remus realised that extra bit of sleep he'd hoped for was beyond his grasp. He contemplated getting some breakfast and a shower, but realised that though sleep was beyond him, he didn't quite have the power to get up. He rolled back over and noticed for the first time, a dark shape by the window. When his eyes had finally become accustomed to the light, he saw the heart-stopping sight of Sirius's body, lying motionless on the floor. He was face down; his arms lay around his head, which was turned away from the bed. However, Remus's immediate attention was drawn to three large, deep cuts on Sirius's flank. He instantly recognised the sight of his own claw marks. There was dried blood caked to his side and a pool of dried blood on the floor where it had leaked from his wounds. He must have been lying there completely still for hours. It took a mere second to take it all in and a mere millisecond more for the terror to set it. The still body and the blood; he'd killed Sirius. He'd wounded him and Sirius had bled to death quietly in the night, while Remus had slept on unaware. In a second he had sprung from the bed to scramble across the floor to Sirius, his worst fears gaining strength as with closer inspection, Sirius didn't seem to be breathing. He gingerly touched Sirius's shoulder, unwilling to check for a pulse to confirm the worst; surprisingly though, his skin felt warm to the touch.

"Sirius?" he said tentatively while gently shaking his shoulder.

Sirius's eyes fluttered open briefly, and he sucked in a small sobbing breath. The relief that washed over Remus was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Finally his mind started working instead of his emotions. Sirius tried to shift positions but Remus held him firmly in place and told him not to move. He ran to the kitchen to fetch the medicine box and soon the floor around Sirius was strewn with healing potions and blood replenishing potion and dittany and pain killing potion and basically anything that Remus could think of that might help him. As he thought about it, he wondered how James and Peter could have left Sirius the way he was.

"Did I bite you?" he asked as he cleaned the gashes and attached bandages with healing compounds on them.

"No, I'm fine," he said hoarsely "it's just a scratch. You were a bit a more 'energetic' last night than we'd expected. I'm not surprised you went for me, all things considered."

Remus knew what he meant by that and thought back to how angry he'd been with Sirius before they'd left his flat; he felt even more terrible than before. But at least Sirius was speaking to him.

"Why didn't James and Peter sort you out last night? I can't believe they'd have left you like this."

"Well James was in no state himself really. Don't worry he's fine," he assured Remus when he heard the little gasp of worry escape him. "He and Peter just got knocked around a little, nothing serious. I said it was just a scratch I had and they left me alone."

"You mean you didn't heal yourself on purpose? What, did you just spread yourself out on the floor as a little example for me that I'm a savage bastard. Did you do this on purpose as some sort of dig?" said Remus, suddenly furious at Sirius for his stupidity.

"I just fell asleep here that's all. And I wasn't getting a dig at you, I just kind of felt I deserved it, you know, for being a jerk." He pulled himself up into a sitting position and leaned his back against the bedroom wall for support, trying not to breath too heavily.

"Oh fucking Merlin, you are such a melodramatic wanker! You had me scared to death for a second that I'd killed you! Don't ever do that again Sirius! If you want to go punish yourself in future, you can do it somewhere else."

"I just wanted to apologise Moony."

"Do you expect me to forgive you just like that because you let yourself half bleed to death from a mauling. It's going to take more than that. I mean you acted like I'd offended you in the worst possible way. You up and leave the morning after the last full moon without so much as an explanation as to why you're so angry; you tell me I nearly killed Peter which makes me feel like I'm the worst human being in existence, which wasn't even true by the way. You hit me in a spot you know I'm vulnerable, and then you twist the knife. That was below the belt, even for you. Then you don't speak to me for close to a month and you lie to James about my job keeping me from going out with the two of you. You don't speak to me when you come to my flat for this moon and you make it very clear that you'd rather be anywhere else. Then you leave me alone the next morning when you of all people know full well that I can barely move let alone take care of myself!"

Sirius looked down guiltily at his hands.

"Just what is it that I did to deserved all that?" pleaded Remus.

"Nothing," mumbled Sirius.

"You mean you get to treat me like that for nothing? Fuck you! No wait, you're not getting away with that. 'Nothing' is not an answer. There must be something in that twisted mind of yours that's bothering you. I want an explanation Sirius!" demanded Remus. He sat seething, waiting for Sirius to reply.

A range of uncomfortable emotions crossed his face as struggled to find the words.

"You said you'd never mention it to James," he said eventually. Remus was utterly confused by the answer. "What is that supposed to mean?" he asked sharply.

Sirius looked like really didn't want to elaborate any further, having found his previous sentence revelatory enough.

"When I woke up that morning, you were lying with your arm over me, you know, like we were a couple or something. And then you made some joke about needing a drink. I asked you not to talk about what we do when we're drunk," he said desperately. "And then the next thing James is asking me what's going on, like he suspects something. I panicked."

"So you're embarrassed by me, is that it? You can carry on all you like, as long as nobody knows and I pretend like everything's normal. I'm your dirty little secret, am I?"

Sirius wouldn't look at him and couldn't bring himself to say anything. Remus took his silence as all the answer he needed.

"Fine, you know what? You can pretend you're not… (Even now, he still couldn't break his promise not to say anything) you're not doing stuff and keep it from James. You can do anything you want and you can pretend that it's just because you're drunk but you're not doing it with me anymore. I'm not going to be used again by a coward like you, not until you've made up your mind what you want. If you're feeling better, you can fuck off."

He was shaking with anger and surprise at himself. He'd never been so frankly honest with himself or Sirius before, and it had shaken him. He went to the wardrobe to find and old t-shirt for his friend to put on. Sirius' own top was a torn, blood soaked heap of rags in the corner. When he turned back, Sirius was still leaning against the wall, one hand holding his side, but there were tears spilling silently down his face.

"Feeling sorry for yourself?" said Remus. There was still some venom left apparently.

"Stop it man, that's not fair," said Sirius, angrily wiping away the tears.

"What's not fair is the way you treated me," Remus reminded him, not too kindly.

"But you don't understand," replied Sirius miserably, covering his eyes with his hand "I like you. I really like you, and I'm not supposed to because you're a guy and you're my friend. But I have a couple of drinks and suddenly you smell so good and I just want to kiss you and I'm terrified that someone will find out, because it's not supposed to be happening. What if James finds out and he doesn't want to be my friend anymore? I can pretend that it's just a dream so long as you don't say anything. Then you had to go put your arms around me in your sleep, and all I wanted to do was turn around and do the same, but it's all very scary in the light of day. You woke up and pretended like nothing had happened and I didn't know what to do. I just can't get you out of my head, Remus."

"So you thought ignoring me completely would be a good idea," said Remus softly, kneeling down beside him.

"Yeah," said Sirius sheepishly.

"You're such a arsehole."

"I know."

Remus pulled him gently into a hug and Sirius didn't protest. He held him for a long time, rubbing Sirius's back soothingly.

"All you had to do was say the word Sirius. I'd have been yours in a heartbeat. What exactly is so wrong with having something that you want?" asked Remus eventually.

"Nothing," he answered.

Remus didn't ask him for a better explanation that time.


End file.
